Parody Contest Poems: Former Laureate, by B.N. Faraj

B. N. Faraj is a writer and poet living in Fair Lawn, New Jersey. He holds a bachelor’s degree from the University of Detroit and a master’s from the University of Michigan. He is currently putting the finishing touches on a translation of a collection of classical Arabic poems. His latest work appears in the literary magazine Transference and the anthology Mother, a Title Just above Queen.

B.N. writes: "The appointment is not for life anymore. And that invites others to start calling him “Former Laureate,” once the appointment is over. But it gets even worse when he starts calling himself so. And that’s something no poet should be subjected to. One would think the Fifth Amendment afforded such protection. With sincere sympathies to Billy Collins, hoping that he wasn’t completely damaged by the experience and that he’s finding life bearable as a former laureate!"

Former Laureate

It’s such a fleeting thing that thing

    One day you have it, then it’s gone

    What was the point of having won,

To brag that once you had been king?

Your golden cage hung from a tree

    Its roof set how high you could soar

    And when they needed you no more

They clipped your wings and set you free

The stipend’s gone, but not the wit

    They took from you more than they gave

    Made good on taxes and the grave

And there was nothing more to it

“A former laureate,” they say

    As if you left your mind behind

    Along with all the gems you mined

They should have found a better way

“Emeritus” would have sufficed

    It worked for Popes why not for you?

    It was a rotten deal they threw

At you no matter how it’s sliced

A silver lining may exist—

    You’re not a former poet now

    You still can roar not just meow

That would have been one wicked twist

With title lost, you still saved face

    At least you’re not a former bard

    Imagine what your business card

Would look like if that was the case!

So go ahead earn our praise

    With witty, freshly minted verse

    Because, to us, there’s nothing worse

Than your saying, “Those were the days.”